I'm such a bad blogger

I seem to never really keep up with these things. It's been almost a year since I posted, and wow how things have changed. It was financially one of the worst years I've ever had, but everything else is working out great. I've got some of the best friends anyone can ask for. My relationship is great (which I wasn't really even in at the time of the last post). My Ruby skills have gotten so much better. I have a great social life. Everything except for a steady job.

Which leads me to my next thing. I'm looking for a regular position. I've been freelancing for the last three years and it's just not paying the bills. I've got such a wide skill set that it's really hard to peg down what I actually do. I've been a Systems Administration, a professional programmer, a DBA, and an IT Director. Lately I've worked mostly with Ruby on Rails, but I've kept up with the other skills too. If anyone has any leads I'm looking.

risk worth taking

I've lived a life of shadow
walking in loss , abandoned by all I've loved
I've let fear and doubt rule me
been chained by my own self imposed isolation

I've loved and lost
I've been blessed and cursed
I'm doomed to a life of tragedy
but I've found love
thrice blessed twice cursed
will this time be different
can I maintain the hope
can I make a real try at it
will I fall to my own insanity

I want a partner in this life
someone who I trust an will be there
alone I fall, in spirals of madness
alone life is without meaning

this time I'll take the risk again
I'll put my heart out there once again
even if easily bored
even if easily distracted
the possibility of what could be
the potential for a few moments of joy
this is what makes the risk worth taking

{chorus}
Will she break my heart
will she shatter me again
or will this be a new start
a chance for life to begin
is this simply passion and lust
is this chemicals and infatuation
is there a basis for trust
is there love and adoration

chasing dreams

Serenity alludes me.
Shows me glimpses of elusive joy
days of waiting, just waiting to see
if all this is just a wasted life
or if there's still hope for me

Come Join me in this hell
I'll ask you to join me here
come find me where I fell
No run away now
I never wanted you to suffer like this
Happiness in life feels like a lie
even with sparks of hope showing
pain and despair haunt me

water washes away the toxins
beginning the road to recovery
I'll burn out this life like I burn through this night
the warmth flows through me
once again wanting me to be
but I just want to fade away
I have to go on
I have to find a way

I don't want to sleep
I don't want to dream
The haunting visions of what once was
the burning pain and loss
I'm lost but still have to be
sparks of hope try to wake me
threads of fate tempt me
to a path that leads once again to loss
is transient joy worth the heartache
should I let myself fall
of should I bury it


{chorus}
I'm chasing the dreams
I'm clinging to the hope of love
I waiting to see
if there's something left to be
coming down from an artificial high
there's no one here to see through the lie
I'm burning out fast and the little light left is fading fast

sparks of light

Dreams and visions of what will never be
hopes and prayers of what once could have been
the light of this world fading from me
lost love guides me in my path of shadow
i have a hole that longs to be filled
but pain keeps me still

sparks of light within the darkness
mere flashes as they try to wake me
ticklish sounds disturb my silence
fairy's laughter tries to wake me.
is it a siren's call, a lure to more
or is there a possibility of this being real

for now I walk a lonely path
reflections of past times haunt my nights
as the surreal becomes the norm
a part of me longs for you
to bring me back from this brink
while another simply wants to run

{chorus}
if only I my heart was open
if only I could let myself love
if only I was willing to risk it all again

I've been told there's hope for life
I've been told I will find my way again
but for now I'm lost

Void

I long to be numb
for the past to fade
for the high and the low to be gone
I don't want to love
I don't want to hate

oblivion calls with it's flowing blue silence
silence to the voices in my head
silence to the rage
that threatens to burn it's way through the remainder of my soul
silence to the unrequited passions
that make each day an experiment in torment

some day I will take that step into the either
some day we'll see what becomes of that obsidian shell within
as passions ebb lower and the world becomes cold and bleak
the call grows stronger and the temptation of what is next
and though it may break all that could be
I may take that step just to see

the void may call
it draws me with it's promise of oblivion
it's an end to pain, and end to pleasure
it's the loss of self that is eventually desired
I touch the flowing blue
just inches more and worlds fall away
just inches more and I don't have to be
the call is always there
but this is not the time


{chorus}
today I will just be
today I will live life
today I am me

one day the call will take me
but not today
one day I will see what is on the other side
but not today

Beautiful Destruction

Beautiful Destruction
you've cost me my pride
you've shaken my faith
you've torn me down

Beautiful Dreamer
I don't want to give what you take
I miss the me that was

Beautiful Destruction
You shatter my world
You make me die
You'll be the end of me yet

Beautiful Destroyer
I see you now
The walls have come down
You'll never have me again

Beautiful Destruction
Desolation calls
The winds of change are upon us
The world will die and be born again

Beautiful Betrayal
Broken love and broken lives
Shadows of what once was haunt the nights
The fall consumes what should have never been

{chorus}
Why do you do these things
why can't I get away
what will this bring be to
I can't stop needing you

You'll be the death of me
you'll never let me be
someday I'll break away
someday I'll find my way
may way away from you

Want

What we want is so hard to show
We'll hide behind our walls
just to keep our pride
we find ourselves alone
when simple words are held inside

changing seasons of the heart
fickle desires
we'll be what we are in our own little worlds
sharing is sometimes the most difficult thing
we'll be lost behind those walls
wanting out, but afraid to be seen

desires in life push us onward
we chase those things we can't have
we'll make ourselves crazy
looking to hold on to what should be set free

We all want to be loved and desired
we all want someone who wants us
we'll pass each other by
our walls will collide, but nothing gets inside
we live a simple lie

connected but separate
we share parts of ourselves
hiding what would give us our want
if we could only break down the walls

{chorus}
we are just creatures of desire
looking for our next fix
we are the only one that can give us what we want
we just have to free ourselves
we just have to loose our hold
we just have to crack open our wall